M.A.D. Challenge #4: "Zombie Strong" As Sung By Gwyneth the Ravenous-Skullcracker Paltrow

A little bit country, a little bit rot and mold. I give you...

Zombie Strong

By Gwyneth Paltrow

I know you see me, like some dead eyed rotter

That just rolled out of a dusty Midwest grave

Yeah on the outside, putrid corpse

But on the inside something you can’t crush

‘Cause I’m zombie strong, hard to break

Like the ground, I crawled out of

You may trip me, and I’ll fall

But I won’t stay down long

‘cause I’m zombie stro-o-ong

I have weathered, colder winters

And longer summers, without a drop of blood

Push me in a corner and I’ll come out fightin’

I won't lose 'cause I have a steady pace

‘Cause I’m zombie strong, hard to break

Like the ground, I crawled out of

You may trip me, and I’ll fall

But I won’t stay down long,

‘cause I’m zombie stro-o-ong

‘Cause I’m zombie strong, hard to break

Like the ground, I crawled out of

You may trip me, and I’ll fall

But I won’t stay down long,

‘cause I’m zombie stro-o-ong

Happy Saturday,
Zombie GiRRRl

M.A.D. Challenge #... Whatever Number This Is

This week's M.A.D. Challenge was inspired by a bit of a scandal that has been circulating the blogosphere concerning a self-published author, a poor review of her work, and a lengthy post which called non-provessional reviewers "trashy" and "ignorant", among other, less savory things.
You'll notice that there are no links on this post and there is a very good reason for that: her bitterness makes me sad and I don't want to fuel the fire that she started and possibly turn people off her books because of the way she views her readers. I couldn't, however, pass up such a primo song!

Without further ado, I invite you now to press Play and read along as we imagine none other than crooner, Nat "King" Cole, serenading us with that old standard...

Irretrievable

by Nat "King" Cole

Irretrievable, that's what posts are

Irretrievable, spread near and far

Like the bitterness which clings to thee
Tactless posts hurt sales, you soon shall see

Never before has something been more

Irretrievable in every way

And forever more, online it'll stay

Copied, pasted, blogged, and Tweeted

Your rant cannot be deleted

It really wasn't that bad of a review

...

Irretrievable in every way

And forever more, online it'll stay

That's why, darling, it's incredible

That a post so very regrettable

Was inspired by a legitimate review

I hope you enjoyed that little classic and that you'll join me again next week.
This is
Zombie Girrrl

Frosty the Snowman: A Tale of Terror and Holiday Cheer

Woops! I haven't done one of these in a long time. I meant to post this little ditty sometime during Christmas, but at first it seemed rather irreverent, then I just plum forgot about it.
So anyway...
A long while back, after posting the rewritten "Every Body (Backstreet's Back)" lyrics, I received the following challenge via comment from none other than M.A.D. (aka Mary Ann DeBorde; reader, writer, and fellow zombie lit enthusiast):

Mary Ann: Okay. I am now OFFICIALLY tossing down the gauntlet to ya (hehe)

ZG: Bring it!

Mary Ann: Let's see what morbid, post-mortem deliciousness you can do with... FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!

ZG: *gasp!* Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong!

And now, without further ado, or faux-macho posturing, I give you the dark and twisted tale of...

Frosty the Snowman

Frosty the snowman was a dark and twisted soul,

With a brimstone pipe and a broken nose

And two eyes that burned like coals.

Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale, they say,

He died in the snow but the children

Know he came back to life one day.

There must have been a curse trapped in that

Old candle they found.

For when they burned it on his grave

On his coffin he did pound.

O, Frosty the snowman

Was alive as he could be,

And the children say he would slice

And flay and come after you and me.

Thumpetty thump thump,

Thumpety thump thump,

Look out, here he comes!

Thumpetty thump thump,

Thumpety thump thump,

The devil's on the run.

Frosty the snowman knew

He'd soon meet his demise,

So he said, "Let's run,

We'll kill everyone

Now before I'm exorcised."

Down to the village,

With a big blade in his hand,

Running here and there all

Around the square hissing,

"Catch me if you can."

He led them down the streets of town

Right to the traffic cop.

His blade never paused a moment

Even when he hollered "Stop!"

But Frosty the snow man

Was banished by a priest,

But he waved goodbye saying,

"I can't die,

I'll be back again to feast."

Thumpetty thump thump,

Thumpety thump thump,

Look out, here he comes!

Thumpetty thump thump,

Thumpety thump thump,

The devil's on the run.

Share that one with the kiddies. On second thought, don't. It even creeps me out, and it came my brian!



M.A.D. Challenge #2 (Dung) Beatles Mania!

Or is it #3?... Whichever it is, it is late, and I apologize.
Anyhoo! For this M.A.D. Challenge, Mary Ann and I decided that we would each pick our own song to mangle, er, I mean rewrite, and I have chosen...

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

or as I like to call it...

While the Maggots Slowly Eat

I look at my flesh and I see that it's seathing

While the maggots slowly eat

I open my mouth and blowflies come forth swarming

Still the maggots slowly eat

I don't know why someone embalmed you

It only slows decay

I don't know how someone could mourn you

They should have burned you

Entombed beneath the world I notice that it's turning

While the maggots slowly eat

My coffin my cell my slice of hell in which I'm burning

Still the maggots slowly eat

I've got a plan and I won't be diverted

I will break out of here

I don't know how death was perverted

I am personified fear

I look at you all you are fruit ripe for reaping

While the maggots slowly eat

I look at you all

Like my maggots I will eat

There's actually a bit of a story behind this choice. I love this song, but that's not really why I chose it. I'm currently reading Dust by Joan Frances Turner, which I won during Zombie Month, and one of the characters is, shall we say, more alive than the rest. He's got a veritable ecosystem beneath his skin and there's a constant buzzing, chewing sound that comes from him. I call it his munchy noise. Well, I was listening to this song and thinking about what it would be like be eaten alive, slowly and with full awareness, and the first line popped into my head. Okay, so maybe it's not much a story, but it is an explanation of my choice and my inspiration.

Until we meat again, happy feeding!

M.A.D. Challenge Numero Uno, Big Willie Style

With the knowledge that two rotting brains are better than one, and twice as fun, Mary Ann DeBorde and I concocted the wonderfully wicked M.A.D. Challenge! Each week, we will challenge each other to twist a classic song, theme song, or whatever into a truly frightful or simply bizarre re-creation.

You may remember my take on the Backstreet Boy's "Every Body"? Well, that was just the beginning...

So to truly kick off the festivities, I give you...

Flesh Prince of Bel-Air

Now this is the story all about how

my after-life got flipped, turned upside down

And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there

I'll tell you how I became prince of a town called Bel-air

Iiiiinnn West Philadelphia, died and raised

In the graveyard is where I spent most of my days

Chillin' out, maxing, relaxing all cool

And all chewin' on fingers outside of the school

When a couple of guys, they were up to no good

Started shooting zombies in my neighborhood

I took one little bite and they all got scared

And said, "I'm going to my aunty's bunker in Bel-air!"

They whistled for a cab, and when it came near

The license plate said "FLESH", clumps of guts on the mirror

"If anything, I'd say he'll eat these guys rare!"

But I thought, Nah, forget it! "Yo, bones, to Bel-air!"

I pulled up to the bunker 'bout seven or eight

And I yelled to the cabby, "Yo, bones, smell you later!"

Look at my kingdom, I was finally there!

Gonna gnaw on some brains

Zombie Prince of Bel-air.

Takes you back to your youth, no? Be sure to check out the M.A.D. woman's masterful tribute to the Brady Bunch; it's truly delicious...

Happy eating, er, I mean reading!

Backstreet's Back! (Alright)

Mary Ann DeBorde has challenged me to rewrite "Backstreet's Back" by the Backstreet Boys into a zombie song. I was going to answer the challenge in a comment, but there's actually a lot of lyrics for this song, so I thought a post would be easier.

If you're wondering what sparked this rather odd request, check out Marry Ann's Zombie Month post, which is hilarious, and read the comments.
And now I give you...

"Every Body (Backstreet's Back)"

Every body, uhhn

Rotting body, uhhg

Every body, yuhhh

Rotting bodies rise

Backstreet's back, alright

Hey, uhhn

Oh my God, we're back again

Brothers, sisters, everybody raised

Gonna bring the flavor, you know how

Gotta question for you better answer now, uhhg

Am I visceral?

Yuhhh

Am I the moldy one?

Uhhhn

Am I intestinal?

Yuhhh

Am I everything you eat?

You best infect somebody now

Every body

Uhhn

Rotting body

Uhhg

Every body

Rotting bodies rise

Backstreet's back, alright

Alright

Now throw some hands up in the air

Wave them around like you just don't care

If you wanna party let me hear you yell
(Yuhhhhhhhg!)

Cuz we got it goin' on again

Uhhhhn

Am I visceral?

Yuhhh

Am I the moldy one?

Yuhhh

Am I intestinal?

Yuhhh

Am I everything you eat?

You best infect somebody now

Every body

Uhhn

Rotting body

Yuhh

Every body

Rotting bodies rise

Backstreet's back, alright

Alright

So every body, everywhere

Don't be afraid, don't have no fear

I'm gonna tell the world, make you understand

As long as there'll be brains, we'll be comin' back again

Every body, uhhh

Rotting body, uhhn

Every body

Rotting bodies rise (rotting bodies rise)

Backstreet's back

Every body (every body)

Yuhhh (rotting body)

Rotting bodies (every body)

Yuhhh (every body, rotting body)

Every body (every body, rotting body)

Rotting bodies rise (every body)

Backstreet's back, alright

Takes you back to the good ol' days, don't it?